With this monumental happening I decided that it was an event that I need to document. What a better place to share and keep this occasion than here on my blog?
That being said when I went on this dream-like weekend extravaganza I had no idea what would happen. I had certain expectations, but they in no way could measure up to what happened. So, to protect my friends and people that I never met, I will not be using last names or pictures of anyone. I am also going to try to clean up the events a little so that they are a little less vulgar, but I am also a journalist and take pride in reporting the truth. So, some of the events may be a little (and by little I mean a lot) embarrassing for those involved. This is not meant to hurt anyone; it is just how things happened and my thoughts on the events.
Truth be told I had a wonderful time and feel very privileged to be present for the amazing event that will shape two people for their entire lives. So to Colby and Jenna, I hope this is something that you can look to for remembrance of your day.
Ok, enough with the mushy stuff. I have included a cast so that you, the reader, can keep everyone straight.
The following is a true story. Nothing in this blog is fictitious. Yes we really are this amazing. And yes I do own the movie rights.
Cast:
Scott – The Mentor
Noelle – My Girlfriend
Colby – The Groom
Jenna – The Bride
Little Mike – The Harvard Man
Big Mike – The Brutal Comic
Garett – The Best Man
Tommy – The Next
Brock – The Alcoholic
Sheena – The Head of the Association
Bruce – The Stubborn Drunk
Katie – The Girlfriend of Tommy aka The Next II
Sandy – The Mother of the Groom
Steve – The Stepfather of the Groom
Carly – The Drunken Girl
Taylor – The Quiet One
Madeline – The Girlfriend of Taylor aka The Sleepy One
Eric – The Gracious Host
Anna – The Girlfriend of Eric aka The Fashion Designer
Day 1
5:50am(PST): Alarm. Why did I drink wine last night? I don’t like wine. Arrrgggg. Why am I going to Minnesota again? Bleh.
8:15am: Little Mike, Big Mike, Scott, and I are on the most packed flight I have ever been on. 3 hours and 28 minutes in the air from Los Angeles to Minnesota and I didn’t bring a book or food. Wait… NWA (no not that NWA)doesn’t offer a food service on their airlines? Save me now.
1:43pm(CST): Thank God, we landed. I can finally breath without smelling the 370-pound man sleeping on my shoulder. Oh and I can eat.
1:55pm: So I just got a text from Noelle: “I know you are going to be sharing a room with 3 guys and drinking, but nothing gay.” Who does she think I am? Scott, Little Mike, and Big Mike are all way too handsome to make any promises.
2:02pm: The airport has a tram that takes passengers from the gates to the baggage claim. And ours just broke down. Also, the voice on the tram is British. We are in the Mid West United States. Whose brilliant idea was it to put a British Lady’s voice on the tram to boss us around? Maybe the revolutionary war isn’t over?
2:10pm: Heck yes, we have a Blue Mini Van for our rental car. It looks amazing. It is a Dodge Grand Caravan. A heck of a motor carriage.
2:13pm: Scott is a Saturn man. He has had the same piece of crap Saturn since I was in the 9th grade. I just found out that he now has a Saturn Vue. I don’t know what to think. On one hand I am proud that he is stepping up in life, but I also feel like I don’t even know this person anymore.
2:18pm: Way number 2387 that you can tell its going to be a good weekend: Van Halen is one of the first few songs you hear in your rental car.
3:00pm: We just arrived at the hotel where Sandy was there to greet us. She gave us a list of info on what we will be doing this evening. She also gave us a little preview as to the night before. Apparently the boys all got a little drunk and naked in the hotel. This is going to be an epic weekend. Our hotel is amazing too. In the lobby there is cookies and apples free for the taking. I love it.
3:42pm: As we were walking out to the car to get our bags, we just saw a guy with a wicked comb-over. The only way we knew he had a comb-over was that the second he stepped outside a gust of wind turned his comb-over into a Mohawk. Scott just said he looks like a rooster.
4:32pm: We have been here for about an hour and a half and finally Colby, Bruce, Tommy, Garett, and Taylor have shown up at our room. It is the first time we have seen many of these guys for a few years. It is also the boost of life that Scott, the Mikes, and I needed to be excited for tonight.
5:15pm: We are headed to the lake cruise that Sandy and Steve are throwing the family and out of town guests. It is on one of the 11,500 lakes in Minnesota. Yes there will be an open bar and yes we will be drinking. But the hotel is offering a shuttle to and from the event. Did I mention that I love this hotel?
5:30pm: Big Mike, “That’s weird, they sell kids hair?”
5:54pm: For those that don’t know Colby, he has some mannerisms that we call Colbyisms. If you are around him for more than 15 minutes you will hear one. I am surprised that we had to wait this long for him to give us an, “O.” (Its hard to describe the sounds and mannerisms in words so to describe it I’ll just say it was a sharp O with a jolt of the head, again if you know Colby you would know this Colbyism)
5:59pm: Big Mike just said, “A boat full of 13 year old girls looks like a lot of fun,” without any sarcasm in his voice. Why am I scared for all the little girls in the state?
6:02pm: Me: “I think that was the longest one yet.” Thomas: “I get that a lot.”
6:20pm: Here I am minding my own drink, having a really wonderful conversation with the mother of the bride when Garett puts something in my ear. I say, “Eww, what is that?” Mother of the bride: “He just put cock in you ear.” Me: “Wait what?” Mother of the bride: “He put silicone cock in your ear.” Garett: “What did I put in Ross’s ear?” Mother of the bride: “You put cock in his ear. Stop being gross.”
6:30pm: Garett is trying to convince me that Pirates are going to board the boat, rob us and take the women. Has he really had that much to drink?
6:34pm: Garett: “Over tipping is like having cancer.”
6:44pm: When we were in High School, Garett sang a solo at a choral concert. During the song Garett began to scratch himself a little inappropriately. The story has come up. Garett: “I kind of feel proud. Its something I look back on and I consider a great learning experience. I don’t feel like it defines me as a person in La Canada as much as it used to. I’m sure that the mothers used to say ‘Well there was an Arab on stage scratching himself.’”
6:50pm: Colby has finally come up on top of the boat to drink with us. First thing he says: “I’m pulling the plug.” Apparently the father of the bride keeps telling Colby that it is still okay to back out.
6:52pm: We haven’t had that much to drink but for some reason we have all broken out in song. Way number 5498 that you can tell it’s going to be a good weekend: The group starts singing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
7:41pm: After having a wonderful Dinner, Garett and Little Mike are going to be singing to the group because Colby has always wanted Garett to sing at his wedding. The best news of the performance is that Garett successfully goes the entire four song set with out touching his crotch.
8:15pm: I had the brilliant idea to have a Saved by the Bell group high five. What I didn’t take into account was the height of the ceiling. So I just thrust my hand into the ceiling of the boat. Ouch.
8:29pm: I am shocked at what a beautiful state this is. Who would have thought? So after going back up to the top of the boat the random singing continues. We sing Anchor for the soul, it’s a church song, and it’s amazing. We also decide it would be a good idea to take a shot as a group.
8:33pm: One certainty with this group is that booze and music mixed will turn into Garett free styling. We also share more stories. The best is from when Colby, Garett, and I drove to Santa Barbara to visit Little Mike and Tommy. Colby: “I f*cking love you. That was from SB where I made out with 7 girls in an hour.” Thomas: “Sometimes you have to lower your standards to bump your average.” The discussion of the weekend has begun as to who is next to get married. I still think it’s going to be Thomas.
8:40pm: Garett tells Tommy that he yelled out, “Tommy is sexy!” and the Mother of the Bride looked at Garett and said, “Yes he is.” Colby thinks his future mother-in-law is a cougar.
9:18pm: Another Colbyism once we get back on shore: “Ooooohhhhhh shooooot.”
9:57pm: In order to keep this blog tied in some way to sports: Lakers up! 68-53 in the third. Also Garett is now referring to gum as slices not sticks. I like it.
10:03pm: Colby just came in our room, dropped his pants and underwear so that he could go to the bathroom. He didn’t shut the door and said he likes going to the bathroom naked because, “It’s breezy.”
10:48pm: One of the best things about our amazing hotel is that there is a Karaoke bar attached to it. So we are there watching Garett sing Steam Roller Blues by James Taylor
10:52pm: There is a guy here with the most wicked mullet ever. He has a decent voice too.
11:01pm: Several fat women just dragged Scott onto the stage to sing Cowboy Take Me Away by the Dixie Chicks. I don’t know what to be embarrassed by; the girls or that Scott seems to know every word?
11:05pm: Brock has had a few too many drinks and now he is going to sing Hotel California by the Eagles; a song that he already sang on the boat. I’m not going to lie, it needs some work.
11:14pm: Garett is not singing his second song of the evening. He is pulled up to sing the duet Picture by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock. He is singing it with Sheena and he has only heard the song once. I love it.
11:26pm: Scott decides to show his age by singing Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. He is assisted by a cute girl who ads the "f*cking" line that everyone remembers from Old School.
11:44pm: Scott is now going to hit on the girl who helped him on stage. The line I gave him was to thank her for helping you out.
11:56pm: Scott, “Good from far, far from good.”
12:02am: As a group all the boys and myself just went up to sing Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi. I’m not one to toot my horn but beep beep.
12:15am: The bar has cut off Bruce. How could someone that small hold that much alcohol?
12:25am: Guess what, Garett is singing again. I don’t even know the song.
1:14am: Okay its time to sleep. Tomorrow is the wedding and if tonight was any indication of how the rest of the weekend is going to be, we need some rest.
Day 2
9:00am: After sharing a bed with Scott and actually sleeping wonderfully we went and got free breakfast from the hotel (did I mention I love this hotel?) Apparently Bruce went for a walk last night after being drunk enough that the bar cut him off. I can neither confirm nor deny that the cops brought him back to the hotel.
9:44am: Colby just came to our room to tell us that he had the last breakfast of his life. I told him, “Isn’t in Jenna’s contract that she has to make you breakfast every morning?” Big Mike: “Yeah, you’re going to have p*ssy for breakfast.” Colby: “That’s inappropriate. But yes I’ going to have female waffles.” Colby also tells me that he is feeling good about getting married. He is not nervous but it’s just stressful. Colby also tells us that he had some trouble with his vows at the Wedding Rehearsal the night before. He also says that he needs to take GasX before the ceremony.
11:35am: Colby just walked up stairs to start showering and whatnot. He also just rode his shirt for Katie and me. Katie: “Wow that’s sexy. Jenna is lucky.” Colby: “Frig yeah.”
1:54pm: Scott, the Mikes, and I decided that it would be a good idea to shoot off fireworks for the Colby and Jenna after the reception. While at Walgreen’s we found a remote control hummer and a mini red wagon. We are going to put three sets of fireworks in the bed of the truck and the wagon. We are geniuses.
2:04pm: Check out lady at Walgreen’s: “Is that hummer for the groom for his honeymoon?” Scott: “Hopefully its not the only hummer he gets on his honeymoon.”
2:07pm: We weren’t exactly sure how the fireworks are going to work so we shot off one set. They are going to be great.
4:34pm: We are now getting ready to go to the event that brought us to Minnesota and no I am not talking about wiffle ball. I am talking about the Wedding.
4:57pm: After making ourselves beautiful for the ceremony we are waiting in the lobby for Madeline and Katie. It is kind of funny to see the maturity levels of my friends. Big Mike is sitting in a leather chair and looks like a lawyer, Little Mike is reading the classic novel Peter Pan, and Scott, the elder statesman, is doing a puzzle. Scott: “I don’t like being referred to as the elder statesman.”
5:41pm: After seating ourselves at the Church, Scott, the Mikes and I sneak downstairs to take pictures and pray with Colby and the rest of the boys before the ceremony. While taking pictures Colby stuck his finger up both my and Scott’s butt. Scott: “Jenna is going to ask you, ‘Colby who ass has your finger been in because it sure doesn’t smell like mine.’ Scott is in rare form. He also wonders why Sheena needed Associates to put together the programs.
6:44pm: The wedding is over. It was a dramatic ceremony, but to lighten things up Colby had a few Colbyisms including “definitely” and “AaaaShhhhhhhh”. To be perfectly honest the room did get a pit dusty and it was really cool to be there to see.
8:13pm: We arrived at the Country Club that is hosting the reception. Garett is giving the best man toast. He has a few quotes from children that he definitely did not interview. He also included the word truly seven times. It was truly wonderful.
8:56pm: We just got to b with Colby for the first time as a married man. It is amazing to see the shift that has come over him. It seems like a weight has been lifted off of him. He even pulled out an old line, “I definitely have a tattoo.” We also find that he took two GasX and they worked great. Colby: “It’s great to be married… It’s going to get dirty on the dance floor.”
9:26pm: Colby’s uncle just told a story about when Jenna and Colby came to visit him in Hawaii. Apparently Jenna eats a lot and Colby’s Uncle thinks she is a fat ass but she is trapped in a tiny body. Also one of Jenna’s roommates told the story of how Jenna really didn’t like Colby when they first met but that after he was persistent she finally fell for him. Moral of the story, Jenna settled on Colby after every other guy spurned her because she eats so much.
9:25pm: Cake in the face, classic wedding moment.
9:42pm: We just got to watch a slideshow put together by the couple and now Garett is singing again.
10:01pm: After the First dance, the father daughter dance, and the Mother son dance its time to dance.
11:33pm: I just decided to go check on status of our firework surprise. Scott and Little Mike set it up. The best thing is that no one knows its going to happen.
11:41pm: The fireworks were awesome. Big Mike just pointed out that Embassy Suites is an anagram for Be My Ass Tissue.
1:02am: After the wedding the whole crew took two cars to Maynard’s, a local Minnesota bar. We arrived about 30 minutes before last call. However we were invited by Eric and Anna to come back to Eric’s house to hang out. On my way out I smacked a girl in the head. One girl dropped her drink and I said, “man down.” Girl who dropped her drink: “It’s okay it was just water, I still have my booze.” So I gave her a high five. The girl next to her wanted one too so I obliged. But I guess I hit a little too hard because I went right through the high five and nailed her right in the head. Whoops. Oh and also there is a chick fight going on in the parking lot.
1:11am: We are now waiting for Scott who is getting hit on by a pretty cute girl, who is obliterated. Tommy thinks her boobs look like they are hanging out. The girl just twirled her hair but it is apparent that she wants to do the horizontal body twirl. Scott and the drunk girl just almost touched lips. What is happening?
1:20am: So my blog may have just doubled in size. We got into the car to go to Eric’s house and Scott has invited the drunk girl to come with us. Her name is Carly. She also just said that she doesn’t want to be the only republican in the car but I just told her that I voted Bush and she said she did too but that it was a bad mistake. She also just said, “I’m a giant whore, I’m a giant republican.” Also in the car are Garett, Big Mike, Tommy, and Katie. We have never seen Scott in a situation like this before. In fact being in the situation is like seeing an endangered and rare animal hunt in the wild for the first time. Tommy and I are trying to figure out what Scotts motives are. I am dumbfounded at the entire situation I don’t know what to think. It’s funny; I always seem to be there for big monumental moments in Scott’s life. The first time Scott every got drunk was when he was with me. I feel so privileged.
1:32am: Carly almost got closed in the door and seems to be arguing with Scott about how you cant just take someone’s water gun. She is really drunk, like even more than I thought she was. But I have more important things to worry about like the fact that we are in the most amazing house in the history of mankind. There is a huge projection TV, pool table, ping-pong, an Andy Warhol painting, a bar, and an indoor trampoline. I am speechless.
2:21am: There seems to be a lot of sexual tension in the house. Bruce looks like he wants to hook up with some girl. We have not seen Scott since we got here. He never came inside. I really want to go do some spying …err…. hardcore investigate reporting. Bruce just asked me, “Is that Scotts girlfriend?” Me: “No he just met her tonight.” Bruce: “Oh cause there is a lot of drama out there.”2:43am: We just got back in the car to go back to the hotel and go to bed. Carly is passed out in the front seat. Mouth wide open. Dead to the world. Thank goodness we are taking her home.
2:54am: So we are still in the car, lost in middle of freaking nowhere, Minnesota. Apparently we are looking for Briar Road. Scott just told me that he has some quotes for me once we get back to the hotel. I am ecstatic.
3:31am: We have finally arrived at the home of Carly’s friend where she is staying for the night. Is the friend hitting on Scott? Is she inviting Scott up? NO! Oh okay good, he is coming back. We were having none that. Tommy: “I guess Carly is very aggressive in a friendly way.” One of Carly’s friends is a big girl and is she naked under that blanket? We also decided that it would be a good idea to give Scott a round of applause once he got back in the car.
3:34am: I am proud of Scott. He is holding nothing back. All of the following are direct quotes from Carly: “Take me now, I want you to f*ck my brains out. I want you to lay me down, kiss me, and f*ck my brains out. I want you to f*ck the sh*t of me.” She clearly wasn’t making logical decisions. However, Scott also said the funniest thing about the entire situation was that Bruce came outside, took off his shirt and sat on the grass by himself and watched the lake (I forgot to mention that the house was on a lake). After some making out the conversation turned to their relationship; Carly: “Do you love me?” Scott: “No, I just met you tonight.” Carly: “Do you like me?” Scott: “Well I like you enough to ask you to come back out with me didn’t I?” Carly: “You could have had me once, I loved you so much the first time I laid eyes on you but things got different now.” Scott told us that he felt like they had this whole relationship and that now they were breaking up. Carly seemed very existential. So, after some making out and strange conversation its clear that Carly was going to pass out. Apparently she seemed very interested in the fact that Scott has a hotel room. But after all of the getting lost and what not we finally got her home. The kicker was that her friend told Scott that this wasn’t the first time this had happened with Carly. Whoops. Tommy: “I guess we called it on the crabs huh?”
3:50am: We finally got back to the hotel and now Scott is telling the story to Little Mike who was in the other car. He says that he sees these girls trying to get cabs. Carly came up to him and saw that he had his arms crossed and said, “Aren’t you diplomatic?” She immediately started talking politics. She also had a squirt gun that she kept squirting Scott with. Scott said that her entire demeanor changed the second Scott called her attractive. Scott: “ You know…Talk talk talk, flirt flirt flirt, squirt squirt squirt.” Scott has just informed us that he forgot the most ridiculous line that she said but that he will say it in a little bit. Scott soon finds that Carly is a television reporter. Scott then convinces Carly’s friends to let her come out with him. So she comes out and all that madness happens. So the ridiculous line that she said was, “I want you to c*m on me.” Classy right?
Day 3
12:28pm: After the amazing night before we all got a late start this morning. We just got breakfast and now we are going to go get some more fireworks and go play some wiffle ball with Tommy, Katie, Garett, Little Mike, Big Mike, Scott, and myself. I have been looking forward to wiffle ball all weekend.
12:37pm: We just got to the field, Minnesota is full of lakes and open land. I love this place.
3:12pm: So after a few hours of wiffle ball, some burned limbs from fireworks, and some pretty dang good burgers it’s time to take Tommy to the airport. Tommy: “I wasn’t expecting so many crazy experiences from DUIs (authors note: pediatrician convinced by Brock to go to a strip club after a barbecue instead of going to the bar with the boys) to crazy houses.” Tommy: “Colby and Jenna are so good for each other.” Garett: “When are you going to pop the question?” Tommy: “I like being a bachelor (Katie is next to him).” Scott: “It’s pretty awesome to see Colby all grown up and ready to do this, he really has matured a heck of a lot.” The conversation stayed on Colby as we started going through the many stages of Colby. Early in high school it was the Boy-band phase with Brian and Dillon, then the Professional tanner on houseboats, which led to surfer Colby when he started the surf club at Azusa Pacific, which was at the same time as the 70s stage with really tight pants, which led to the Emo stage with his purple hair and screamo music, then Jenna came along and brought out all the things that we loved about those stages and created a super Colby. In my opinion Jenna is the radioactive spider to Colby’s Spider-man. Needless to say we are all very proud of Colby.
3:46pm: We just provided romantic music for Tommy and Katie while we dropped Tommy off at the airport. We played Mariah Carey out of the car while they said their goodbyes. They don’t get to see each other from two months. So now we are off to the Mall of America to kill some time before we head home.
5:40pm: Little Mike is taking a flight home tomorrow because he flew out on miles, so we just dropped him off at a church called Solomon’s Porch. Little Mike is kind of a church nerd but that’s why we love him. I am really ready to get home. I am exhausted and have another four-hour flight to look forward to on my way home. Lucky me.
7:10pm-9:06pm: I ended up getting an entire row to myself on the flight home. I am so happy that I can sleep. I also learned my lesson on the way here and brought food with me on this flight, and I bought a book so that I would be entertained.
9:15pm(PST): We finally landed in Los Angeles. It may have been warmer in the Twin Cities that it is here. Whatever, I’m tired and I am going home.
So after this amazing weekend I can’t help but think that the benchmark has been set. Colby and Jenna's wedding was an amazing time for everyone and we all have this to live up to. Thank god I have friends that will try and live up to this ridiculous weekend.
(Authors note: Turns out Carly is at best estimate 22 years old, Scott thinks she needs some help with her on camera work. Yes these are my friends)
0 comments:
Post a Comment